Getting out of the sky

i dont know how i felt. at the moment.
it was by chance, fate, whatever,
but all the world's evils were in my pocket.
my curiosity had been in me all these years
and finally i got to cure it.
upon sight i was instantly a fiend
taking over every single word or process in my mind

i danced for a little bit
and felt mildly good, yeah, i felt ok
but i didnt really dive until the next day

the next day was really something.
i really studied everything around me
felt everything and nothing at the same time
later when i was laying with him he had no clue
and i couldnt feel guilt only because my love for him
was magnified by maybe a thousand
or a million
i was floating in some sort of other place
my mind was not part of me, my bones werent, my blood wasnt
but i was, very much was.
i felt dark and dirty and beautiful all at the same time
i knew everything there was to know
like there was some sort of grand secret only i knew

we woke up and had some tea
and i still felt it so strong
everything
i went to sleep that night
well, not exactly
i closed my eyes and dreamed for what
felt like five minutes but hours passed

the next morning i knew id never go back to that place ever again.
but man... it was a nice vacation from life.

ah well. i've a list, actually. a top ten,

10. metallica with cliff burton. so, circa '83
9. soundgarden. they're alive, but are too bitchy to play.
8. pantera with dimebag.
7. the ramones. so kickass.
6. elvis. obviously.
5. JOHNNY fuckin CASH.
4. the doors
3. nirvana
2. alice in chains with LAYNE STALEY
1. LED ZEPPELIN with JOHN BONHAM.

its so early. and so late. either way.
my life is coming together. it's good.
some things i still can't fight, but i'm trying.

right now my priority is to save as much money as i can
so we can get our own place, just the two of us
so we can choose not to deal with bullshit if we want to
im excited






and everyone else sucks. <3

i'm so very happy. it's rediculous.

i'm working, which is kinda sucky but at the same time its like, whatever, i cant do nothing forever ya know?
I have also become a rediculous fool. its all so crazy. never before have i not given a shit this much, but, i just dont fucking care! but its a good kind of fuck you.

i got a letter from lauren yesterday, hand delvered by andy. i was suckered into having dinner with them cause mama&papa mclean were so very nice. darling people. strange, but darling. but aren't we all strange?

i kind of like that dating matt is a big fuck you to everyone. its fancy.
i'm afraid i havent seen casey for a while. i suppose i should visit her.

oh and i have also been delightfully sober, it's fun. i can actually understand myself now haha.

matt gave me a copy of this rare nirvana demo hes had for years and its beautiful. i had only heard about bambi slaughter and thought the song was a thing of legend but oho! i was wrong! its all amazing. RAPE OF THE VAULTS outsecticide IV is the name of the album and i shall love it forever.

                                                             

                                                               
 

i'm bruised.
i'm filthy.
i'm sore.
and i'm in love.

yeah that works

i woke up way too early this morning.
i'm surrounded by deceit and just so many
fake people
trying to pull me into their mind tricks
and i wonder why i give up on them
until shit like this happens and i'm reminded
i'm still tired of my vices,
i hate drinking. its over-rated.
it just leaves me stupid and sick
dizzy and feeling like shit
then things happen and i get advice like
"find something you like better"
that's the worst advice i've ever gotten

my hair looks awful
but i think i have a possible job
as a small-town diner waitress
lots of construction types
= good tips
i'll just have to concentrate on not wasting my money
on my vices

lately i've also grown tired of being objectified
i'm not giving into it anymore, its not easier,
its lonlier.
i thought it would give me more control
but it just makes me miss shit

there's a show today but
i dont know if i can go
it'll be too hectic
and i cant afford to go
and im not asking my fucking parents for cash
we can barely afford shit right now
well, apparently
my mom still manages to go out every weekend
and spend money on herself
its always been like though,
as long as i can remember.
oh well. time to grow up i guess.

i made the mistake of spraying myself with knockoff love spell yesterday
its still on my shirt and it
just smells so cheap and terrible
i hate cheap perfume with a passion

no sterling fair this year
that's good, last year can't be topped
im gonna run off and do something constructive now

well, tomorrow is september.
i love september so much.... its typically good
i need a boy to loveeeeee. not like.
i need a school to go to
i need a job to work at

i find that life is becoming simpler
and im ignoring time
which is bad, very bad
especially because im caught in this
dramalovetangle
a certain friend of mine, no names,
has given me a new perspective on the whole
psycho-ex-girlfriend thing
like whoa!
im trying so hard to stay aaaawayyy from it
but everyone comes to me
as if i could actually help anyone with that shit
like really? im the last person on earth
you should go to for advice when it comes to
love octagons
thats what happens when you date within your friends
anyway, next

its brisk and beautiful outside
it reminds me of fall, and i love fall
<3 im repeating. ive got nothing really good to say today.
except i hope my diet works out well

ill probably scribble something more stupid later

this summer has royally sucked
i still cant do anything because
i dont have a social security card
and you need that to do everything
fuck, fuck, fuck
im probably going to start a band and get it over with
that dumb little riotgrrrl dream ive had since i was fifteen
I NEED DRUGS
but i dont... DJ AM died today from them
aww sad sad sad
waaah THATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE RICH

we broke into the asylum the other night
tuesday, i believe
i was so scared..... evil presences
had a mysterious bruise when i got home

















there were dead pidgeons everywhere
and living ones







so anyway im getting really pissy with life
its annoying me

i'm admittedly selfesh
i dont care anymore
vals calming me down
tired of uppers
and im on a gentle coast down
my nerves have been raw for months
im always nervous or angry all the time
plus,
i've got this boyfriend of sorts
who i just, cant really stay with
i'm not as attached, i'm going in a different direction
and he's all for me all for everything
hes so excited about things and about me
and its been two months and
i dont want to drag it on any longer
but i dont want to ruin his damn summer
for him
or me
so its a choice....

laurens visiting soon
which is good,
but i dont know
i have to save money
to pay my fucking nigger neighbors
who cant listen when i tell them to hold on
instead my dog attacks theirs,
and we pay six grand we dont have
what the fuck?
and joeys dog whos bitten six PEOPLE
isnt dead yet?

this is one minute of my collective minutes so far today
my right hand is swollen and im pleasantly motivated
i'm comparing, im excited, beginning to see things form
trying so hard to keep up but in a fun way
like in a race or pie eating contest
like not everyones gonna be a winner in the end
but youre using them to your advantage

im watching snakes on a plane, its really not that bad
its cheesy but they never said it wasnt going to be so
i can appreciate it. the storyline is sensible enough,
while still ludicrous but its a good escape.

today was a little grayer
than this day usually is
last year there were leaves on the trees
and 75 degrees and i was wearing a tank top
this year half the trees are dead or gone
and a quarter of them are damaged
fuck this state
really now, its so hard to find a fucking job
and while cigarette taxes are going up still
we'll now have taxes on candy, soda, and booze
the cost of living is much higher
the only thing we have going for us is the yankees losing
and dunkin donuts

i want to move where things are green
all the time
and the shadows at night walk with you, not behind you
or in front of you
and the moon is bigger and the birds sing sweeter

life is so fast paced and pushy these days
here at least. even day to day life
everyones in a big rush to get nowhere
"quick quick hurry up lets go"
and now with things like this, the internet and technology and shit
everything happens on a much bigger scale
to the point where people are internalized in their own little networks
and trying to control everything perfectly
by adding and deleting
this whole fake thing
the real things going on arent even noticed anymore
its so sad.

we are becoming machines
i cant tell even if we're advancing or in self destruct mode
i feel like something really big has yet to happen
like huge
but then again hasnt everyone thought that
throughout the past century
it was so much easier when the world was smaller
we were given what we could manage and then we got greedy
and where has it gotten us?
we control chemicals
through ourselves and our actions
we think we're helping but we're taking nature
out of the equation-we're out of control.

kept to myself, simply and mechanically
silenced to keep things in line
overrated, underestimated, unwanted
uncalled for
misunderstood
it lives with me, reluctantly
a strange companion in strange times
a security blanket made of iron
which unfortunately calls attention to itself
subsequently my own self and my own insecurities
not so much a product of hate as it is, of love
and love combined with truth and circumstance
stretched over into what most see as time
a chance to leave it behind and regrow
until i pick it up again
to avoid you, it, them, me,
us.

no sex! why did i add sex in there!
of course previously mentioned a few weeks ago
its seattle-y out today
and i dont know what to do with myself
ive been waiting im tired of waiting
and lying
theres a bit of that going on
i dontknow

i have no idea whats going on now
but i know where its going
i think im going to like it
im advancing
growing
learning
how stupid?

recently ive done some stupid things
admittedly
my hearts in him though
hes just a child i think
who cries and whines all the time
but when you finally get him to shut up
hes fun

"why are you so slow, turtle?
would you like some more lettuce?"

i miss having my best friend around
im so undeserving of her
and our stupid shenanigans
i miss those shenanigans
my weekends are just dull chains
of convenience store after convenience store
with pot and sex in between
wheres the warm weather?
wheres the action?
(you live in massachusetts
there is no action.
cigarettes are now 8 dollars a pack,
how does that make you feel?)
it makes me feel like i want to go to georgia,
i ought to, and buy a carton,
(NO MORE THAN TWO,
over state borders-
thats highly illegal!)

are you trying to drive me to quit?
or drive me insane?
BOTH!

okay this is necessary...
life's short, so smoke up. i thoroughly enjoy cigarettes. i really do. i like how they smell and taste and they add a little more excitement to my day. i feel, if i want to smoke, i should be able to. america feels differently about this, massachusetts in particular. cigarettes keep going up over and over again!

IM MOVIN!
 

life is beginning to bore me.
i cant even use words for it
because words are beginning to bore me as well.

too cold.
im being pulled down
maybe even pushed down
haven't decided
maybe its a test in
treading water
surprisingly enough i am not miserable
just apathetic
detached
an echo of sorts.

sometimes when i laugh
it is real
and for a minute i can see a little bit of something good
come out of me and fly into the sun
i miss those warm days
when i could just spin endlessly
and enjoy the colors

i laughed real yesterday
once
just once
when i laughed today
it was mechanic
like someone pulled a string
in my back

i have learned quickly how to love
like this.

i tried reading it before it was even big- and couldn't.
stephanie meyer had some good lines
but her story was overall just so boring that i couldnt continue
nowhere near as elaborate as it could have been
and to make matters worse
shes putting all kinds of dumb ideas into little girls' heads
no, sweetheart, youre not going to marry a vampire.
they dont exist.
now put the book down
take a walk
and think about your life.

so i figured out why we need each other
maybe someday i'll tell him
when we're settled and not doing all this
running around
i cant help but feel like im wearing rose colored glasses
every word is dripping with idealism
i cant uncloud my mind or state
or try
im absent from pretty much everything
all the time
...
because you see
last night i realized that nothing
in the world is easy
ever
but thats the way it is
and people nowadays
are so contained within their own lives
and stupid fucking drama
so self involved
and if people have that
save-darfur-stop-aids-and-cancer-violence
vibe
its mostly at the end of the day
a pretty selfesh act.
we dont realize that big things are still happening
noone is involved in the right way
this country is shit
we're not the good guys anymore.

...
so aside from that
ive figured a lot of things out
slowly yet all at the same time
i just need to put it all together
pretty much how im going to make it in this world








(thank you, mary-jane)

i felt every single tone that existed in the room,
each time i moved my head to a certain angle
i tried to concentrate on what was going on
then strangely enough id realize that i was, in fact,
talking to the whole class, saying things that were
somewhat profound and kind of made sense
well fuck it they really did make sense!
what was i saying?

GOOD JOB WHAT A GREAT POINT
OK LETS GO FROM THERE.....

what the fuck am i right?
how was that possible?
for my thoughts and speech to be so detached
something else was speaking for me
how the tables turn!

well, i looked up at the light
because it flickered for a moment
and the same pulses were tapping
and laughing at each other through
every single collision
and with this single occurence
i just realized wow









im fucking stupid after all.

Do you sleep​ with one leg out from under​ the cover​s?​
nope.

Do you like to hold or be held?​
be held

When was the last time you cried​?​
i dont remember really.

What are you liste​ning to?
FROGS by alice in chains
the best robo trippin song

What was the last thing​ you drank​?​
dew

Do you have a bad habit​?​
many

How many times​ have you eaten​ sushi​?​
once

Do you have any saved​ texts​?​
yeah

Could you go a whole day without eating?
yeah

What side of a heart​ do you draw first​?​
left

Have you ever cried​ from being​ so mad?
mhm

Where​ is the next place​ you will trave​l to?
uhm the hair salon

Do you have empty​ alcohol bottles hidden anywhere?​
nah

Last person you commented?​
jesse

Last person you messaged?​
andy

Last person you saw other​ than your family?​
casey

Who was the last person to give you a big hug?
beatrice

Who is all in the same room as you?
noone

Do you want kids?​
cant wait

Do you belie​ve that every​thing​ happens for a reason?​
not necessarily

Would​ you leave​ the one you love for the hottest person in the world​?​
not a chance.

Someone mad at you?
i dont care

Do you ever wonder how other​ people see you?
nope

Did anything brighten up your day today​?​
yeah dew

How are you feeling at this exact​ moment?​
cold

Are you the type of perso​n who likes​ to be out or home?​
OUT

Do you think​ more about​ the past,​ prese​nt,​ or futur​e?​
future probably

Do you miss the way thing​s used to be?
sometimes.


Ever given​ a cop an attitude?​
NO that is ALWAYS a stupid idea!
KISS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you given​ up on anyon​e?​
yeah

Did you ever waste​ too much time on a certa​in boy or girl?​
yeah

Would​ you ever be frien​ds again​ with someo​ne that broke​ your heart​?​
ive tried

Do you hate anyon​e?​
most people hahaha

Ever kisse​d under​ water​?​
no

Do you know anybo​dy named​ Wade?​
I AM SO SICK OF THAT NAME.

Do you have any sibli​ngs?​
kellie and carl

Does anyone call you babe/baby?
yeah

How many hours​ of sleep​ did you get last night​?​
like six

How tall was the last perso​n you hugge​d?​
not that tall

What woke you up this morni​ng?​
phone

Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?​
yeah hahaha after camping with joey and meg

Credi​t cards​ or cash?​
cash

Do you miss anyon​e?​
LAUREN

Are you liste​ning to music​ right​ now?
yeah korn now

Do you get distracted easily?​
sometimes

Is it hard leaving people behind?
always

What are you doing​ this weekend?​
SO MUCH!

Somet​hing you do a lot?
light things on fire

Do you have a best friend?​
yes

Angry​ at anyone?​
nah

What was the last thing​ you wore at the Mall?​
i dont fuckin know

What is your favorite memory?​
theres a lot

Do you want to fight​ someone?​
well yeah i always do haha
doesnt mean im gonna waste my time

How'​s your hair?​
gay

Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend in 2 month​s?​
i hopeso

Have you ever had a boy best friend?​
yeah joseph john lunt :)

nothing, in this whole entire universe, is more relevant or striking
than a contradiction. to be strong on the outside for instance
and a child on the inside. to have a dark exterior and a heart of gold.
to be humble and have that voice in your head that knows
you deserve better.

not to say that contradictions are only beautiful with people.
no matter where they are placed they stand so strangely
and almost render anything to be relevant or irrelevant
they are everything and nothing at the same time.


they are like maybe a four leaf clover
or a broken mirror.

the clover, while lucky, is really just maybe
a freak. the different one, one in a million.
its ugly and beautiful.

seven years bad luck when you shatter that
goddamn mirror.
but those shards on the ground
catch the sun just the right way
and you almost dont regret
breaking that fucking mirror.